how He loves.

He is jealous for me,

Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree

Bending between the weight of His wind and mercy

When all of a sudden, I am aware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory

And I realize just how beautiful You are and how great Your affections are for me.

Oh, how He loves us so

Oh, how He loves us

How He loves us so.

revelations.

Wow.  What a trip.  So, I just spent a couple of days with a group of people that keep me going and keep me smiling and it was just really wonderful.  We were on our way to Gatlinburg on Monday morning and as the day progressed we ran into a slight problem.  I got in my first car accident.  At approximately 2:30PM I rear-ended one Elvis E. Pressley near Knoxville, Tennessee.  (Yes, that was the most ridiculous thing about it).  Everyone reassured me that it was really not something that could have been prevented and told me that I had handled it well-it was really positive encouragement.  I still don't know if it is totaled or if I am going to be car-less for a long period of time, but I just have to trust that I will be taken care of, and that all will be well.  I was unexplainably calm through it all though, everyone seemed a bit surprised.  I didn't cry, which surprised me.  Tears did begin to well up in my eyes later as I realized just how much responsibility had been in my hands.  Someone very dear to myself and the rest of the group could have been seriously hurt or killed, which is terrifying.  God truly provided for us as no one was seriously injured.  It was so nerve-wrecking.  Cait is such a trooper and her strength was shining through even though she was feeling the pain more than anyone else.  I'm really not sure how I got through it as well as I did though, I have been seeing ways that God is strengthening my heart lately, and it's really a blessing since I don't consider myself a strong person. Anyway, other than the accident we had a blast, and really I'm not sure another group of people could have remained so positive through an accident-so I was lucky to have done it when I did I guess...We hiked, hot-tubbed, tabooed, star-gazed, had incredible fellowship during meals, and really just experienced one another.  It was wonderful and I am blessed to have had this opportunity.

---

I am really asking God to reveal some of the answers to my questions...maybe I just have too many.

the big picture.

So like I said I was going to do my best to reflect throughout the day yesterday and I'm not so sure I did an incredible job, but I did hear one thing a few times that hit home...

The greatest act of love in the history of time was performed for you.

My parents loved Northstar, which was really exciting.  It was so good to be back.  I was a bit distracted throughout the rest of the day, cleaning/organizing, catching up with some of my closest friends.  Now-I'm off to enjoy their company for a few days.  Can you ask for a better homecoming?

God really shows me His love through the people that surround me.

---

It is well.

!

I am so happy to be back in Ohio...that's weird!  But, it's true.  It's hard to feel comfortable when you can't really settle somewhere (or at least it is for me).  Anyway, I have things to look forward to and I'm excited about them.  I also no longer have long hair!  WOO!

---

Here's something from my devotional that I read last week (taken from Captivating) that hit me pretty hard:

"For a woman to enjoy relationship, she must repent of her need to control and her insistence that people fill her.  Fallen Eve demands that people 'come through' for her.  Redeemed Eve is being met in the depths of her soul by Christ and is free to offer to others, free to desire, and willing to be disappointed.  Fallen Eve has been wounded by others and withdraws in order to protect herself from further harm.  Redeemed Eve knows that she has something of value to offer; that she is made for relationship. Therefore, being safe and secure in her relationship with her Lord, she can risk being vulnerable with others and offer her true self".

Yeah.  That's pretty much it.

---

There's also the challenge of really absorbing what Easter means.  I'm going to try my hardest to really reflect on all that our Lord has done for us.

so close...

I am almost home :)

---

So today was my day off/my last day in SF, and it didn't turn out half bad. I met with Ed (my guardian angel) who assured me that I was standing up for my rights (which I was very excited to hear).  He is truly a good-hearted man.  He had a root canal yesterday and wasn't even going to be at work today, but he left his house just to help me.  He told me that he has helped several students and his daughter will be attending school soon, and he was a student once, so he just felt for us-and gave himself away. He said that if they give me any trouble to tell them to take it up with my agent!  Amazing.  So after discussing the situation, he left and I waited for someone from our leasing office to meet me at our door for our inspection and they didn't even show (they called twice from  2 separate numbers over 2 and a 1/2 hours later, and didn't even leave a message-what nerve)!  SO!  I moved on with my day.  At first it didn't look very nice out, but by the time I was done chatting on gmail and being just plain lazy-the sun began to shine.  I knew I wanted to take the cable car, so I made my way to the wharf and had some In-N-Out!  Yum.  Then I just sat for a while, since I could feel the sun through the wind most of the time.  I walked back downtown following the tracks of the cable cars.  Somewhere along the way I was hit on by a young lady...it was a bit odd to say the least.  Darwin called me after his planned half-day turned into a full day and we went to Britex-a fabric store with some really beautiful and incredible stuff.  We met up with his man who was wonderful and then said our goodbyes!  

---

I just said goodbye to Stephen, one of our doormen, who is really one of the best things about my experience here!  He inherited our mirror, swiffer, my muni fast-pass, what's left on our laundry card, and 2 cans of soup! He deserves it.

---

Well, it looks like San Francisco and I had a pretty decent relationship, but I'm ready to move on...

let's have every emotion at once, please.

Today is my last day at Old Navy: complete + utter joy.
---
I'm going to be home this time on Thursday: HOORAY!
---
Buca di Beppo with James last night: amazing/yummy/was a total of 2 meals for each of us/sad (we had to say goodbye).
---
I've been receiving phone calls + "good night" texts from some amazing women in my life: this makes me smile big time.
---
Our apartment is trying to make us pay for another month of rent + I'm here alone trying to battle it: that one's self-explanatory (it even had me crying during my last day of work).
---
The most kind and generous man from the SF Human Rights Association is helping me with my fight against our leasing office: God is really remaining faithful with this gentleman, he is meeting me in our lobby tomorrow morning so that I'm not alone during our inspection. He's also going to go through the lease with me and fight for us as much as he can. This is absolutely astounding.
---
I don't think my animal made it in the show: bummer :\
---
Todd Oldham hugged me: EEE! (duh) oh, plus he told me all of his favorite Minneapolis spots.
---
Ok...that's all I can think of for now, but seriously-how many emotions can a person feel in one particular moment?

...

I am totally at work writing this...oops. Yesterday was my last day at Cornerstone, which is pretty sad. I've been so blessed that Nikki found this church and invited me to it. It really has been great and through it I have learned many things and God has revealed many things. I will miss it, which is actually comforting, because I thought that after attending Northstar I could never become attached to another church (I was really fearful of it actually) so God has been faithful and again has told me not to worry.
---
Yesterday was a good day. After church we got brunch, headed to the De Young museum, then out to Japantown. It really was good to get out-I avoid opportunity like that regularly. I find it very easy to shut myself out and away from the world, so I like it when there are people and places that challenge me to do otherwise. I am thankful for them.
---
So I'm really excited for spring and summer, which is good, but I feel like it is still causing me to live a little bit more for the future and look past my opportunity now. I just feel like I'm wasting time. I was reading my devotional this morning and this scripture (Eph. 5:14b-16 NIV, The Message) was really challenging and exciting:

"Wake up, O sleeper,
rise from the dead,
and Christ will shine on you."
Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise,
making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil.

Wake up from your sleep,
Climb out of your coffins;
Christ will show you the light!
So watch your step. Use your head.
Make the most of every chance you get.
These are desperate times!

So then I was listening to Switchfoot during my walk to work and of course songs like "Dare You to Move" and "Meant to Live" came on, challenging me all over again.
---
We must stop wasting time.

pan's labyrinth

So I watched the movie Pan's Labyrinth all by my lonesome last night...it was kind of terrifying.  It was really gory and had some super creepy creatures in it, but all in all it was really magical.  I'm pretty sure I'm going to watch it again today along with all of the special featurettes (because I'm a dork + because I can).  I just want to absorb a little more from it though, there are many things to be picked up.  One part in particular that I really enjoyed was actually the message spoken by a priest during a funeral which went like this:

"The essence of forgiveness lies in His word and in His mystery.  Because although God sends us the message, it is our task to decipher it.  Because when we open our arms, the earth takes in only a hollow and senseless shell.  Far away now is the soul in its eternal glory.  Because it is in pain that we find the meaning of life and the state of grace that we lose when we are born.  Because God in His infinite wisdom puts the solution in our hands.  And because it is only in His physical presence that the place He occupies in our souls is reaffirmed".

---

This morning Lauren and I went on a "Journey to the Cross" with our church.  It was pretty cool (other than the fact that my toes are still recuperating from the cold).  The place we went to is called Mt. Davidson and it is the highest natural point in SF.  There is a 103 ft cross at the top of it.  It was really beautiful.  We were challenged to lay our burdens on Him and live joyfully and just remember and celebrate the time that we are in.  I enjoyed it.

He is good.

time has told me...

Life is feeling a bit meaningful lately.  We must live in a way that we are considering the eternal and things that are of importance.  Easier said than done.  But really, what are you doing with your life? How are you letting God use you to impact the world that we live in?  Think about it.

and it was Good.

"I will punish her for all those times
      when she burned incense to her images of Baal,
   when she put on her earrings and jewels
      and went out to look for her lovers
   but forgot all about me,”
      says the Lord.

 “But then I will win her back once again.
      I will lead her into the desert
      and speak tenderly to her there.
 I will return her vineyards to her
      and transform the Valley of Trouble into a gateway of hope.
   She will give herself to me there,
      as she did long ago when she was young,
      when I freed her from her captivity in Egypt.
 When that day comes,” says the Lord,
      “you will call me ‘my husband’
      instead of ‘my master.’
 O Israel, I will wipe the many names of Baal from your lips,
      and you will never mention them again.
 I will make you my wife forever,
      showing you righteousness and justice,
      unfailing love and compassion.

 I will be faithful to you and make you mine,
      and you will finally know me as the Lord."       -Hosea 2:13-17, 19-20

---

I was talking with a very dear friend this weekend who reminded me about God's endless grace and love.  No matter how lost, distant, far, or detached I feel, and no matter how unfaithful I am-God is always loving, pursuing, and waiting for me.  That is peace.  That is comfort.  That is love.  We are however, in the middle of a big spiritual war.  I will admit I think my weakness holds me captive most of the time, and I'm going to try to fight my demons with a little more vigor.  

I'd settle for a slow down.

You know I can tell I'm having a lot of difficulty trusting lately.  I've been worried about something that I'm not supposed to worry about.  The whole reason God is inviting me to this new chapter of life is so that I stop worrying about this worry...but it's so hard.  I'm fearful.  I'm scared.  I'm hurting.

---

I would love some peace right now.

waiting...

I seem to be stuck lately. Very stuck. I need to be reminded of my many blessings.  I am blessed. Terribly blessed in fact.  I hear a couple yelling through the walls.  I'm not there...that's good.  That's a blessing.  I don't know what it is, but I just can't seem to get my mind off of the things that hurt.  I can't seem to move just a bit further.  You know what though? Here is yet another blessing:  I see the light.

---

The things that are getting me through currently are my unusual animal (which I believe is coming along rather nicely), library rentals, and my new copy of The Darjeeling Limited (which I have YET to watch/see!)  Oh, and of course the thought of spring break.  

---

I'm counting down the days now.  

---

I am ready to go home.  I am ready for change.